One Month

I'm taking the week off. Not from school, but from boys.

I need to make up my mind without outside influence.
Who do I want to be with, if anyone at all?
What would it mean to make a commitment again?
What will happen when I move?
Should I follow my head or my heart?
What happens if I lose a friend(s) over this?
Is it really that big of a deal?

I have feelings right now, but I need to wait to see if they're more than just situational memory, loneliness and temptation.

still hurts

I wish i could have you. This is why i hate being in love. I miss you so much.

What else can i possibly say?

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TMI Friday (I don't care)

Two weeks after the breakup and I'm aroused.
God dammit.
If I try to take care of it, I'll either cry because I'm alone or succeed and pass right out (when I have work to do).
If I don't take care of it, I'll be bargaining with myself to try to contact him and basically solicit him. But then I'll pay for that emotionally later.
Shit.

And last night I thought about the time you were drunk. It made me sad because I remembered the 15 minutes we were okay and happy and showing affection in public. You were still so handsome. I want our time back.

Eh. Whatever. It will still be awhile before I can talk to you without being emotional. I really hope a month is enough. But I just don't know.

Problem

See, the problem with having that brief contact with you last night is that i just want to keep talking to you now. But the want to talk to you turns into the want to see you and the want to see you turns into the want to be with you and sleep with you. My brain keeps tricking me into thinking we'll be together again like nothing was/is wrong and i can just love you like normal. It's frustrating because there's nothing to hold any of that up - that's why i did this to begin with. I miss you so stupid much and i just want to take you with me. You told me you thought about it. But things would still be a mess.

I cant NOT think of you yet. Things i see remind me of you, things people say remind me of you and oftentimes i just want to tell you of those things. The cars i see or what i'm doing or the remarks some people make. But i cant - otherwise i'll just be stuck here again. Limbo. Where i'm not quite in pain but i'm sure as hell not happy.

Today marks two weeks of being separated. About one week of trying not to talk. I truly wonder if this will get better by the end of the month/semester.

I want to know about your life at the same time i dont simply because i'm not a part of it anymore.

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Listening to WSND fm

I dreamt of you. You were surprised to see how well I was doing. But then we kissed. And I woke up. But there is no pain in my chest. I am not overly anxious. I miss the hell out of you, but I know you miss me, too. I know you care about me.

You start your new job today. I wish I could be there. You're going to do so well there. Take care, my dear.

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Maybe

Because I am going through a break up and I'm giving up Social Networking to make it easier in the long run, I may or may not pick up blogging in its place.

Reddit may just control my life instead.

I just wish you knew
How much I love you
And how difficult this really is
I wish you knew
I wish they knew
I wish we could stay
together